Nicole vs. Life
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
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