i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
