Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Michael Bay diarrhea
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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