She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
