how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
