uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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