Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
As shirtless as possible
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
