I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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