I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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