my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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