I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
