oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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