Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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