I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
