I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
