Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
