i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
where are my eyebrows?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize