Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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