It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You ruined the universe
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