I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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