I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
