His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
