a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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