Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
