Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
