Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
