OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
