so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
