I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
