He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
