I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
