if you like me you must not know who I am
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
