Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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