Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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