Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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