can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
