you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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