can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
