I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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