he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
