I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
