oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
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Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
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I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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