Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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