I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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