I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
