in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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