Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
