I wish I only lived at night.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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