Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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