My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
