Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
