we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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