Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
